dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
