she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
