he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
