1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
