Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
