I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
