I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize