he wants to bone in the snuggie
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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