I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just high enough for therapy.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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