I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
