dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
