I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
