I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
