My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
