The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's blow job season.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize