EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
