I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
