i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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