I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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