i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
