Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
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