people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
my shit smells like andre
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
