Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My vagina is officially offended.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
