Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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