Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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