gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
