how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
