Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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