I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize