The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
where are my pants?
in the oven.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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