you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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