I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
