I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
