barbara walters just said penis...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
