My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize