"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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