her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
