My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
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