Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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