You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
