I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
