How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I still have a little drunk in my system
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
