I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
