when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
