My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i think my cat just said my name.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
