Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Terrible idea I love it
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
