We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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