I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
