I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
