That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
