I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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