I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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