I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
