my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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