Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
